Losing Our Cool With Impulsive Kids

As adults we sometimes take it personally when a child appears to repeat the same behavior multiple times regardless of repeated prompts, reprimands, redirection, and encouragement.

I can hear Mufasa saying, "You deliberately disobeyed me."

Here's the scene...  A teacher is in front of a class of kindergarteners beginning a well-planned lesson.  She is smiling and exuding love and compassion to each little mind as she hits her key points and shows colorful examples on the SmartBoard.  There is a child that is deliberately seated in the front row on the carpet due to his inclination towards distraction and disruption.  Even though this child may take a little more attention from the teacher than the others, this interaction has built a sweet bond between them.  He starts tapping on the floor with a marker as he becomes more engrossed in her lesson.

She stops, looks at the child, and politely requests for him to stop tapping.

He stops.

Two minutes later he becomes lost in the picture on the SmartBoard and the marker starts tapping again.  

The teacher looks at him disappointed and asks him more directly to stop.

He stops.

The child turns to his neighbor to share ideas about the subject as instructed by his teacher, and the marker starts tapping again.

This time the teacher is escalated and takes the marker away in a huff.  She uses sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue.  She does this partly to get her point across and partly out of anger.  The child is probably told to clip down on the classroom level system, and a downward spiral for both the child and teacher will likely begin.

How come the child looked so shocked when the teacher snaped?

The surprise and sometimes fear on this little face is what I want to discuss today.

The teacher wonders how the child could have the nerve to act surprised.  She gave him three chances.  She prompted him in a concise, one-sentence prompt like she was taught.  He must be deliberately disobeying her, right?  Is it malicious behavior?

One cool thing about my job is working in schools with the teachers and staff.  These inspiring men and women have a huge impact on the children that I counsel.  They teach with passion, grace, and compassion that I admire.  However, even the best teachers have a breaking point.  I have personally noticed that it is the teachers that care the most are suseptable to this frustration.  They want to make a difference.  They want to get through to "that kid" who others may give up on.  I hear these concerns daily...

"We were not trained to deal with these issues."

"He hates me.  He won't listen to me."

"He wasn't listening, and I lost my cool.  I feel terrible, but how else is he going to learn?"

"But seriously, Jessica, what can I do??!!"

"I'm at my wit's end.  Nothing is working."

At the annoyance of my audience, my answer is too often, "it depends."  Solutions have to be individualized and in line with achievable goals of the teacher, student, administration and family.  I love working with teachers to make steps to improve quality of life and learning environment for all parties.

Today, however, I want to solely concentrate on what we as adults have total control over.  Ourselves.  I have been using my hands to explain this concept for years until now, and now have created the picture below to hopefully communicate this idea in a visual way for this medium.

 

The orange line represents the child.  The child is going about their day on their baseline.  All of the sudden, he is redirected by an adult.  Oops.  This is what the spike is intended to represent.  He makes an adjustment to his behavior and goes back to baseline.  This line could represent four similar offenses or four unrelated ones.  The length could represent the duration of an hour or a day.  For the child's line and for this example, these variables are irrelevant.

The yellow line represents the adult in our scenario.  Each time the adult has to redirect the child, her frustration spikes.  Often times, the spikes build until we "lose it" with the child.  The hot pink scribbly sunshine is meant to signify this.

As you can see, the adult is escalated to a vey different place than the child.  The child is shocked by the adult's response.  The look of terror on his little face may immediately evoke empathy and guilt from the adult.  The child may be wondering what was different about THIS time.  Has my teacher lost her mind?

Um... Perhaps, but that post is for another day ;)

As adults we need to realize that children do not escalate in the same manner that we do.  If their behavior is not malicious, it is likely that it is not despite you.

How many spikes does it take before you lose it with your students or your own kids at home?

What is the duration of your build up?

Do you recognize when you are becoming escalated?

Is your reaction to the last offense warranted?

Do you feel that when you "lose it" that you are best representing yourself as the teacher or parent that you are or wish to be?

What could you do to improve in one of these areas?

There are two broad benefits to improving your patience with children.  First, it decreases unwarranted anger towards the child and increases feelings of consistency and safety. Second, it improves your mental health and ability to function.  In turn, this will improve your awareness to guide their behavior in a way that you are proud of.

Only with a calm heart can you be your best self.

Let's do ourselves and our kids a favor and try to match their rhythm.  Let us try to mirror THEIR baseline.

Thank you for reading.
Try to give your undivided attention to another today.

Loving People Where They Are At

"Just love them where they are at."

This is a common thing you hear if you work with people, children, or if you interact with anyone else. It is a great goal to strive for, but sometimes it is more difficult than others.

The kids I work with often gauge their self-worth upon other's interactions with them.  We try very hard to help them to gain the insight and empathy to understand that other people's actions and interactions may have absolutely nothing to do with them.  You cannot control what others do, but you CAN control how you act.

We reward kindness, helping people out, encouraging others, and offering support when they recognize that one of their group members is not being themselves.

The cohesion and support system between our group members is one of the things that I am the most proud of.  I was having lunch with a few of them this week that prefer to eat together in my office than in the cafeteria (many of them get in trouble in unstructured settings so I often use this as an option when they are not feeling totally in control of their behavior).  One of the kids said, "Our group feels like a little family."  80% of my clients have a parent that is incarcerated.  90% live in a single parent home.  Offering extra structure and support in this area is beyond my expectations of what our group can provide, but somehow these resilient children produce a safe haven for each other.

I came across this video today and had to share it.  The simple premise is... just love people.  Sure, there are consequences for bad behavior, but who says that your response to someone is an efficient consequence to them?  How many times have you said something you regret that did not accomplish the goal you intended?  You feel bad, and that person just thinks you are a jerk.  If you really care about someone enough to teach them about their behavior, follow these two steps...

1. Support them and let them calm down

2. Have a teachable moment later when you are both calm and they are open to receiving the information

For Example;

"Hey Johnny, I know you were probably kidding yesterday, but you were moody and your jokes hurt my feelings.  I am sensitive about that subject.  Please do not joke about it again."

Instead of name calling towards Johnny, you are explaining how what he did effected you.  This promotes empathy, understanding, and a deepening of relationship if Johnny is able to accept this concern.  If he is not able to accept your vulnerability, he may not be ready for the depth of relationship that you are.

With this in mind, please enjoy the following video.  Happy Weekend :)

Getting children ready to go back to school

As with any upcoming change, it is important to let kids share their excitment, concerns, fears, and stories.  Outline what your children can expect this school year, and list exciting parts of the grade they are going to.

Some activities our group is doing to prepare for school....

Observations, Inferences, and Predictions derived from school themed pictures
See post here on "Picture of the Day - Activity" from Science Notebooking

5 minute meditation from "Meditations for Children and Teens"
Think Like A Great Student

Creating a Fall Bucket List
Like this one from KatieBalla Love of Life

Here are a few books that are great for going back to school, transitions, bullying, and self-esteem.  I know I have mentioned at least one of them before, but I just love all three of these.

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Click here to purchase on Amazon

Lastly, encourage your children to read, write, get back on a schedule, and anything else that will help them to feel confident and successful in returning to school.  Take their picture the first day.  Make a special dinner or breakfast.  Celebrate this next stage in their lives with them.

One of the best ways for children to retain information is to speak about things as if the child cannot hear you.  Always speak positively about your child's teacher, school staff, school, and other authority figures.  Tell your spouse (just within earshot of your child),  "I'm so excited that Susie is going to have Ms. So-and-So for her teacher!  She was my first choice.  She will do wonderful this year in 1st Grade!"  If there is a conflict with the school, address it between the adults.  Many parents are surprised when their children have been disrespectful at school, but those same parents will look at me with their children right beside them and say negative things about their teacher, school, principal.  If you do not respect their teachers, do not be surprised when you get a phone call from the school reporting that your child does not either.

Back to school is such an exciting time.  If your child is anxious about starting a new school year, listen to their concerns.  Do not belittle or deny that the concerns are valid.  Listen, lean in, and say "can you tell me a little more about that?"  Let them talk out what they need to and use you as their support system.  Sometimes, we all just need to feel heard.

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning" Proverbs 1, 5

"Sam Feels Better Now!" Two Week Group Curriculum

"Sam Feels Better Now!" is a wonderful interactive story written by Jill Osborne.  It is perfect for a 10 day or 2 week group.  There are 8 interactive exercises in the book.  I worked with the kids on four exercises the first week, one for each day, and then reviewed on Friday.  We followed the same pattern the second week.

Activities include themes of identifying the feelings of fear internally and externally, disclosing trauma, and then rebuilding trust and safety.

Click Here to Purchase on Amazon!

On the last day, I handed out a reward certificate to each client.  They were all very excited as many of them do not regularly earn rewards at school despite them all being extremely intelligent and creative.

On a separate note, I have began incorporating a saying that I borrowed from one of the fabulous teachers I work with.  When reading she will say "You made a connection!"  She does this when they relate something in the book to a personal story, something similar they have learned, or even about the construction of a word or sentence.  I have started pointing out to clients when "You made a connection!" when they are able to apply insight or to relate the material to other areas of their lives.

A new thing that has started happening is that clients run (literally run ;) into group shouting

"Ms. Jessica!!! I made a connection today!"

They then share how they have implemented something we have been working on or that they have recognized it in others.

This small addition of a sentence has increased insight for many clients.  I am so thankful to teachers like Ms. Elmore whose compassion and creativity inspire me everyday :)

"Ascribe to the Lord, O families of nations, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength, ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name."  1 Chronicles, 16:28-29

My Power Switch!
Addressing Anxiety and Trauma Reactions

In group last week we discussed what it is like to be flooded with emotion, how to express this, and then how to "Turn our switch OFF."

First, we read a wonderful book called Please Explain "Anxiety" To Me!

Please click on the following link to see the article written based on the material here in The Digital Journal, "Therapy for Kids -- Turning the Power Switch On"

It takes children (and parents) through the flight, fight, and freeze model.  It helps kids to share and discuss the feeling of being overtaken by their emotions through their sympathetic nervous systems.  This is often a difficult experience to explain, but this book makes it simple and relatable.

Click Here to Purchase Through Amazon

We then used BioDots to show our level of anxiety before and after calming skills.  We completed a different calming skill each day including deep breathing, yoga, meditation, playing outside, and talking to a friend.

Click Here to Purchase Through Amazon

Lastly, on Friday I introduced a new activity.  Instead of the Brown Grab Bags, we used Story Cubes.  The kids LOVED these!  They have also been very successful in individual therapy this week, and they are super compact for site-based work.

So much fun!

Client Here to Purchase Through Amazon

Such an exciting week.  The children not only were able to realize when their switch was on, but noticed it in others as well!  Building empathy is a huge hurdle for many children, and this theme opened this door for many group members.  It helped parents to relate to what it is like for their children to be flooded with emotion.  We will definitely be repeating this week's material very soon.  Our "Power Switch" has become a staple in our group vocabulary.

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress.  He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.  They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.  Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men."
Psalm 107, 28-31

The Whole Brain Child

This is a fabulous book for therapists, parents, teachers, and anyone that works with kids.  I went to a training a few weeks ago, and this was one of the many books I added to my reading list.  It is great to help adults understand children's needs when they become upset as well as how to meet them.  It also has a lot of useful information on how to build a child's emotional intelligence.  It is very user friendly and easy to read.

After reading it, I created a five day group curriculum to help share some of the age-appropriate information with my group.  Please email me for the full powerpoint.

 

Friday was a review day.  Clients shared ways that the information has impacted them this week, and questions that this new information generated.  We set the stage of this being a science oriented theme.  This helped keep their attention and to help them think about the material in a constructive way.

It is very empowering and exciting for children to gain understanding to how their brain works.

"For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth." Psalm 71, 5

A different kind of iMessage

One of the first questions brought up by parents of the children I work with is "What is this iMessage about?"  An iMessage is one of the most basic skills that I teach to children to express their emotions.  It is a beautiful tool that works well with almost all children in any environment.  The basic construct is:

I feel _________________ when you ____________________ .

For example...

I feel hurt when you call me names.

I feel sad when you push me.

I feel lonely when you do not let me sit with you at lunch.

I feel happy when we play together.

I feel loved when you give me a hug, mommy.

I feel special when you smile.

This simple message is very powerful.  It helps kids to give words to their emotions.  It points out cause and effect.  It prevents back and forth name calling.  It prevents power struggle between children and adults.  It helps adults understand how a child is feeling so that they can help.  The first thing I ask children when they bring a conflict to me is "Did you use your iMessage?"  Their faces usually go from angry to thoughtful.  This is followed by an expression of need and often an apology.

"Tattling" is a common complaint about children that struggle with impulsivity.  The general rule I lay out is:

1-2-Step!

Use your iMessage twice and then take it up with a safe adult.  1-2-Step.  Once the issue has been reported, the 1-2-Step starts over again.  This helps children be deliberate with their iMessage, and it improves understanding how much to involve their teacher or parent.

For group this week we are going to work on "Rock Problems and Play-Doh Problems"

Rock problems are stable and unable to be changed or manipulated.

Play-Doh Problems can be changed, formed, shaped, and shared.

Pinterest Link to this Activity

Expressing emotions with Play-Dh and Googly Eyes.  I have used this activity many times in the past and the kids love it.  It is great for teaching iMessage as well.

Pinterest Link to this Activity

For the next activity, I'm going to ask the group to write the Positive Rock issues on one hand and their Rock Challenges on the other.  We will cut them out to reveal the heart in the middle.  I will give them Play-Doh to fill in their heart and discuss how our perspective CAN effect our Rock Problems.

http://krokotak.com/

A fun fall activity thrown in!  Sometimes it is nice to bring out an art project and just throw out questions and conversation starters that are relevant to this week's topic.  I really enjoy asking children how the skills they are learning are positively impacting their lives.  I encourage them to share ways that they are utilizing the material at school and at home.  An unrelated art project helps the conversation to feel very natural and client led.

www.artfulparent.com

The WorryWoos Books by Andi Green are probably my favorite line of books for therapy with kids.  The watercolor pictures are inspiring, and it plays to my alice and wonderland whimsical obsession.  "The Lonely Little Monster" is a perfect book for this week's theme.  Nola feels completely trapped and isolated by what could be called her "Rock Problems."  She is able to change her world in the end by changing her perspective (her Play-Doh Power!).  These books are so well written and illustrated.  I cannot say enough positive things about them and the role they have played in my client's lives.  

http://www.worrywoos.com/

The website also has a coloring sheet for each book.   

WorryWoo Coloring Pages

On Friday we will do the review bags again.  They have been working great, and the kids are being more and more creative with their stories.  I hand out a bag filled with random objects to each small group.  They create and share a story with the items given that is relevant to this week's them.  Some of the kids like to act out their stories, which I love.  I have such a wonderful and brilliant group of children right now, and this activity gives them an opportunity to let their creativity and teamwork shine!

www.apartmenttherapy.com

The word "wisdom" was brought to me three times this week.  All three times it was in the context of leading a Godly Life over knowledge.  I love a planned coincidence, and I am open to how this lesson is unfolding in my life.  Thank you to those messengers this week as they bring so much more than friendship.

"Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline, and understanding."

Proverbs 23, 23

Resilience... Letting Your Light SHINE!

2 Week Resilience Curriculum for Group Therapy

Week 1: Understanding

Monday
Define...

Introduce this week's theme, define resilience, talk about events that clients have had to overcome, and things they are dealing with today.  Discuss resilience as an adjective and how people, places, and things can all be resilient.

We will be using a lot of light inspired activities to encourage "Letting your light SHINE!"  Today we will introduce the light table and allow clients to manipulate the light through color.  After everyone has a turn we will tie this in to how we can use our light to manipulate our emotions, reactions, and level of "calm and happy."

Picture Credits:
http://pinterest.com/pin/11540542766428992/
http://pinterest.com/pin/11540542766429013/
http://www.teachpreschool.org/2011/11/exploring-the-light-table-in-preschool/

Tuesday
Fair vs. Equal

Explain fair versus equal, how each person is given their own unique set of challenges, and how they can overcome these.  Looking inside to overcome instead outside to compare and develop resentment and anger.  Then watch a short YouTube video that further explains this idea...

Fair vs Equal Resiliency Video

Picture Credit:
http://msfultz.blogspot.com/

Wednesday and Thursday
Cinematherapy activity.  If you and your children/students/clients have not seen this video... you need to!  It is such a great movie, and has themes of resilience!

Friday
Review and take the Resiliency Quiz!

How resilient are you? QUIZ

WEEK 2: Application of Knowledge

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday
Craft project of creating lanterns.  My lovely MHPP (and partner in crime) had the idea of adding battery powered lights to each so that we would have hanging luminaries in the group room.  We will really get into processing trials that clients have and are currently facing.  We will work together as a group to support each other and apply interventions to build resiliency.  The finished project will be an opportunity to "Let our Light Shine" when things seem difficult and overwhelming.

Balloon Tutorial

Thursday
Read "Pete the Cat, I Love My White Shoes" and tie it in with our resiliency theme!

Here’s a synopsis of the story...

I purchased it for my iPad so I can also share it with my individual clients who are not in my group.  I love the interactive features!!

Friday
Review and Reward.  Reward, Reward, Reward!  My favorite part of reviewing is hearing how clients are implementing skills into their daily lives and the impact it is having on them and those around them :)

Related Reading...

All of these books are available on www.amazon.com .

This was such a fun theme to research and brings out so much positive in the kids.  I can't wait to see what parts are their favorites and how they respond to the curriculum!

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5, 3-4

Appropriate Anger and Conflict Resolution Group Curriculum

Had a wonderful Labor Day with my family and friends, but I am excited to get back to work tomorrow.  A four day work week is often a struggle for me because I try to fit 5 days of work into 4 (as many people do).  This week our group theme is appropriate anger and conflict resolution.  I teach that anger is a healthy emotion, but how you handle it is a skill that we continuously cultivate.

Tuesday:  Transition from last week's theme (no bullying) to this week's theme.  My group LOVES videos.  They are the most attentive when I break the iPad out and show them something on YouTube. This short from Pixar has some bird bullying and then their reaction to anger is one that does not produce a desired result.  Adorable and open-ended.  I give very little guidance at the beginning of processing projects and activities as I like to see where the kids take it first.

Link to this YouTube Video

We will then define anger and discuss the importance of learning conflict resolution skills.  We will connect skills that we often use that can be used as conflict resolution skills, like iContact and iMessage.  We will connect different levels of frustration tolerance to filling up different sized buckets.  Our goal this week will be to make our bucket a little bigger and to chose how we empty our water.

Wednesday: Anger Map and Triggers.  What makes us mad?  What fills up our bucket?  Complete and share an anger map to gain insight and to practice communication skills.

Click for Anger Map Printable

Thursday: Reaction Mapping.  The kids love this exercise.  I roll out the butcher paper and draw the outline of a huge PlayStation controller.  They then decide how to direct a character to react to anger.  Every button = a reaction.  I usually to groups of 3-4 so they can share their creations with the group.  I enjoy displaying the end result so that I can refer to them... just in case conflict occurs.  I can empower them to choose which reaction from their controller that they want to use at that time.  Some of the reactions are positive and some are negative.  All have a consequence.  

Click for link to example via Pinterest  (This is a test taking strategy poster, but it is where I originally got the idea for the activity.  I just free hand the outline and leave the rest up to the kids!)

Friday: Apologies and making it right!  I created an adaptation of the below apology form for my group this summer and it was a huge hit (I obviously deleted the "I was drunk" portion).  What I like about it is that it gets to kids to think about their behavior, reaction, and another's response in a sequential way.

Link via Pinterest

When kids are ready to "say sorry" I say... Well, thats a good start.  This helps really mend and add some humor to the art of apologizing.  It walks kids through who was involved, when it happened, what they did, how it was portrayed (behavior, words, action, inaction... this may be my favorite part!!), WHY it happened, and at the bottom it states; "this note represents my awareness that my words or actions in some way upset, hurt, or otherwise alienated you.  In light of this understanding, I __ WILL ___ WILL NOT do it again."  We have used these in group since July.  I encourage clients to use them with kids, grown ups, siblings, teachers, staff, bus drivers, anyone who they want to express themselves to.  Many of my families use these in their homes as well.  Most importantly, it builds empathy.  Beautiful.

I feel like I wrote a lot, but these are my notes for leading group this week.  Things can get pretty hectic around children so I like to have my curriculum pretty well laid out.  However, some of the best groups are when I throw the plan out the window and go where the kids need to go that day :)

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Philippians 2, 3-4