I can hear Mufasa saying, "You deliberately disobeyed me."
Here's the scene... A teacher is in front of a class of kindergarteners beginning a well-planned lesson. She is smiling and exuding love and compassion to each little mind as she hits her key points and shows colorful examples on the SmartBoard. There is a child that is deliberately seated in the front row on the carpet due to his inclination towards distraction and disruption. Even though this child may take a little more attention from the teacher than the others, this interaction has built a sweet bond between them. He starts tapping on the floor with a marker as he becomes more engrossed in her lesson.
She stops, looks at the child, and politely requests for him to stop tapping.
He stops.
Two minutes later he becomes lost in the picture on the SmartBoard and the marker starts tapping again.
The teacher looks at him disappointed and asks him more directly to stop.
He stops.
The child turns to his neighbor to share ideas about the subject as instructed by his teacher, and the marker starts tapping again.
This time the teacher is escalated and takes the marker away in a huff. She uses sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue. She does this partly to get her point across and partly out of anger. The child is probably told to clip down on the classroom level system, and a downward spiral for both the child and teacher will likely begin.
How come the child looked so shocked when the teacher snaped?
The surprise and sometimes fear on this little face is what I want to discuss today.
The teacher wonders how the child could have the nerve to act surprised. She gave him three chances. She prompted him in a concise, one-sentence prompt like she was taught. He must be deliberately disobeying her, right? Is it malicious behavior?
One cool thing about my job is working in schools with the teachers and staff. These inspiring men and women have a huge impact on the children that I counsel. They teach with passion, grace, and compassion that I admire. However, even the best teachers have a breaking point. I have personally noticed that it is the teachers that care the most are suseptable to this frustration. They want to make a difference. They want to get through to "that kid" who others may give up on. I hear these concerns daily...
"We were not trained to deal with these issues."
"He hates me. He won't listen to me."
"He wasn't listening, and I lost my cool. I feel terrible, but how else is he going to learn?"
"But seriously, Jessica, what can I do??!!"
"I'm at my wit's end. Nothing is working."
At the annoyance of my audience, my answer is too often, "it depends." Solutions have to be individualized and in line with achievable goals of the teacher, student, administration and family. I love working with teachers to make steps to improve quality of life and learning environment for all parties.
Today, however, I want to solely concentrate on what we as adults have total control over. Ourselves. I have been using my hands to explain this concept for years until now, and now have created the picture below to hopefully communicate this idea in a visual way for this medium.
The orange line represents the child. The child is going about their day on their baseline. All of the sudden, he is redirected by an adult. Oops. This is what the spike is intended to represent. He makes an adjustment to his behavior and goes back to baseline. This line could represent four similar offenses or four unrelated ones. The length could represent the duration of an hour or a day. For the child's line and for this example, these variables are irrelevant.
The yellow line represents the adult in our scenario. Each time the adult has to redirect the child, her frustration spikes. Often times, the spikes build until we "lose it" with the child. The hot pink scribbly sunshine is meant to signify this.
As you can see, the adult is escalated to a vey different place than the child. The child is shocked by the adult's response. The look of terror on his little face may immediately evoke empathy and guilt from the adult. The child may be wondering what was different about THIS time. Has my teacher lost her mind?
Um... Perhaps, but that post is for another day ;)
As adults we need to realize that children do not escalate in the same manner that we do. If their behavior is not malicious, it is likely that it is not despite you.
How many spikes does it take before you lose it with your students or your own kids at home?
What is the duration of your build up?
Do you recognize when you are becoming escalated?
Is your reaction to the last offense warranted?
Do you feel that when you "lose it" that you are best representing yourself as the teacher or parent that you are or wish to be?
What could you do to improve in one of these areas?
There are two broad benefits to improving your patience with children. First, it decreases unwarranted anger towards the child and increases feelings of consistency and safety. Second, it improves your mental health and ability to function. In turn, this will improve your awareness to guide their behavior in a way that you are proud of.
Only with a calm heart can you be your best self.
Let's do ourselves and our kids a favor and try to match their rhythm. Let us try to mirror THEIR baseline.
Thank you for reading.
Try to give your undivided attention to another today.
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