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Losing Our Cool With Impulsive Kids

As adults we sometimes take it personally when a child appears to repeat the same behavior multiple times regardless of repeated prompts, reprimands, redirection, and encouragement.

I can hear Mufasa saying, "You deliberately disobeyed me."

Here's the scene...  A teacher is in front of a class of kindergarteners beginning a well-planned lesson.  She is smiling and exuding love and compassion to each little mind as she hits her key points and shows colorful examples on the SmartBoard.  There is a child that is deliberately seated in the front row on the carpet due to his inclination towards distraction and disruption.  Even though this child may take a little more attention from the teacher than the others, this interaction has built a sweet bond between them.  He starts tapping on the floor with a marker as he becomes more engrossed in her lesson.

She stops, looks at the child, and politely requests for him to stop tapping.

He stops.

Two minutes later he becomes lost in the picture on the SmartBoard and the marker starts tapping again.  

The teacher looks at him disappointed and asks him more directly to stop.

He stops.

The child turns to his neighbor to share ideas about the subject as instructed by his teacher, and the marker starts tapping again.

This time the teacher is escalated and takes the marker away in a huff.  She uses sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue.  She does this partly to get her point across and partly out of anger.  The child is probably told to clip down on the classroom level system, and a downward spiral for both the child and teacher will likely begin.

How come the child looked so shocked when the teacher snaped?

The surprise and sometimes fear on this little face is what I want to discuss today.

The teacher wonders how the child could have the nerve to act surprised.  She gave him three chances.  She prompted him in a concise, one-sentence prompt like she was taught.  He must be deliberately disobeying her, right?  Is it malicious behavior?

One cool thing about my job is working in schools with the teachers and staff.  These inspiring men and women have a huge impact on the children that I counsel.  They teach with passion, grace, and compassion that I admire.  However, even the best teachers have a breaking point.  I have personally noticed that it is the teachers that care the most are suseptable to this frustration.  They want to make a difference.  They want to get through to "that kid" who others may give up on.  I hear these concerns daily...

"We were not trained to deal with these issues."

"He hates me.  He won't listen to me."

"He wasn't listening, and I lost my cool.  I feel terrible, but how else is he going to learn?"

"But seriously, Jessica, what can I do??!!"

"I'm at my wit's end.  Nothing is working."

At the annoyance of my audience, my answer is too often, "it depends."  Solutions have to be individualized and in line with achievable goals of the teacher, student, administration and family.  I love working with teachers to make steps to improve quality of life and learning environment for all parties.

Today, however, I want to solely concentrate on what we as adults have total control over.  Ourselves.  I have been using my hands to explain this concept for years until now, and now have created the picture below to hopefully communicate this idea in a visual way for this medium.

 

The orange line represents the child.  The child is going about their day on their baseline.  All of the sudden, he is redirected by an adult.  Oops.  This is what the spike is intended to represent.  He makes an adjustment to his behavior and goes back to baseline.  This line could represent four similar offenses or four unrelated ones.  The length could represent the duration of an hour or a day.  For the child's line and for this example, these variables are irrelevant.

The yellow line represents the adult in our scenario.  Each time the adult has to redirect the child, her frustration spikes.  Often times, the spikes build until we "lose it" with the child.  The hot pink scribbly sunshine is meant to signify this.

As you can see, the adult is escalated to a vey different place than the child.  The child is shocked by the adult's response.  The look of terror on his little face may immediately evoke empathy and guilt from the adult.  The child may be wondering what was different about THIS time.  Has my teacher lost her mind?

Um... Perhaps, but that post is for another day ;)

As adults we need to realize that children do not escalate in the same manner that we do.  If their behavior is not malicious, it is likely that it is not despite you.

How many spikes does it take before you lose it with your students or your own kids at home?

What is the duration of your build up?

Do you recognize when you are becoming escalated?

Is your reaction to the last offense warranted?

Do you feel that when you "lose it" that you are best representing yourself as the teacher or parent that you are or wish to be?

What could you do to improve in one of these areas?

There are two broad benefits to improving your patience with children.  First, it decreases unwarranted anger towards the child and increases feelings of consistency and safety. Second, it improves your mental health and ability to function.  In turn, this will improve your awareness to guide their behavior in a way that you are proud of.

Only with a calm heart can you be your best self.

Let's do ourselves and our kids a favor and try to match their rhythm.  Let us try to mirror THEIR baseline.

Thank you for reading.
Try to give your undivided attention to another today.

Back in Black

It has been well over a year since my last post.  This is not one of those posts about “Oh, I’m so sorry that I have been so busy.”  Nope.  That is not this.  I had a really tough year.  I thought about coming back to my blog multiple times, but I did not feel like I was ready.  I like to blog when I’m in tune with my work and myself.  I like to blog when I feel excited and inspired.  I knew I would come back to it at some point. 

I guess that today is that day.  I actually feel a little bit like celebrating as I am writing this!

In the past year I became divorced, I became a single mom, I moved, I traveled a ton, I read a ton, I wrote a book, I met some amazing people, I started art journaling, I learned how to distance myself from unhealthy relationships, I worked hard, I took a lot of pictures that I will treasure for a lifetime, I got into the whole “minimalist” thing, I increased my generosity, I bought a hammock, I expanded my yoga practice, I started Spanish classes again, I started running outside, I have been painting again, I decided not to be “busy” so I can say “YES” to anything I choose (or no!), I have made wellness a focus of my family, I take time for myself, I tell it like it is, and I have grown up a lot overall (just to name a few).

All of these changes have launched me into a new phase of my life, and have catapulted my counseling practice into a new and exciting space.

I was shocked to see that my blog was still getting views and love even though I was absent in tending it.  Thank you.

So… without further ado…

Back to Business!!

We meditate A LOT in group.  The way we do it combines a variety of interventions that I have taken from here and there over the years. 

I call it “Dead Man.”  This may sound morbid, but I’ve learned from experience that adding silly names to interventions makes it fun for the kids.  It is easy for them to remember.  Plus, it is pretty funny for me when they say, “Ms. Jessica!! We want to do Dead Man!!”  ALL of my clients LOVE this by the way.

We start by spreading out around the room.  I like for them to lie on a solid carpeted floor.  I have found that they do much better relaxing their bodies this way then on cushions or couches.

I walk around while they begin getting relaxed and give them each a “SQUIRT” of my magic calming lotion.  It is actually just lotion that I had made up with essential oils of lavender and peppermint.  This is inspired by a theraplay intervention with a little aromatherapy mixed in.  They take this part very seriously and they love to explain it to new members of the group.

We do not sit in a traditional seated “criss cross apple sauce” meditation pose.  Instead, I have my clients lie in savasana yoga pose (also known as Corpse Pose).  You basically lay on your back with arms and legs stretched out like a gingerbread man and your eyes are closed.  Palms are facing up.
  

This is why we call it “Dead Man.”

Source: Honolulu Yoga 

I turn off the lights, but leave the room bright enough that I can see every child for safety.  If one of them is struggling, I will sit by them and rub their hands or their temples until they relax.  Appropriate physical touch is an important part of my counseling practice.  I begin leading them in a guided meditation.  All of the medications I make up focus on taking the kids to a calm, safe place and leave plenty of room for their own interpretations of what that may look like.  After I have finished this part, I instruct them to stay in their safe place for a little while and relax or play there in their minds.  They can usually complete a full, silent medication as a group for about five minutes.  When they start getting restless I instruct them to begin waking up their bodies.  They all get up calmly and we move on to our next group activity. 

I often tie the mediation in with this week’s theme so we can easily use it as inspiration for an art project or the start of a process session. 

I know what you are thinking… The kids I work with WOULD NEVER do that!  I know.  I know.  I have done this with some VERY active children with severe trauma.  They all love it.  I think the trick is to start slow, make it special, and use LOTS of encouragement.  Like I said earlier, my clients beg me to do this often, and I allow them to teach new group members our process.  This peer modeling and interaction helps to keep this tradition going as my group population turns over.

All of my kids face tough challenges.  I love to provide a short space in their day where they can calm, center, imagine, and DREAM.

Thank you for you.  Thank you for your time.  Pass along your undivided attention and love to someone today.

-jessica

Link to Theraplay Website

Source